Preshow: Welcome everybody to the 49th Annual Grammys! The show that brings everyone around the country and world to ask one question: The RIAA is suing us for downloading this crap? Shouldn’t we be able to sue them for emotional distress? Well until the Supreme Court rules in our favor, we’ll have to deal with the current scenario. My personal picks for tonight. I think it’s clear that Gnarls Barkley had the best single and the best album last year. Which is why it has no chance of winning. It actually looks like a pretty even field. I’ll go with the Dixie Chicks because these awards shows seem to like make statements and it would serve as an apology/affirmation for the way they were boycotted on country radio. But now the show’s starting. So here we go.
8:00: The Police? Have they released an album since before Bush was President? The first Bush? Why do these “event” shows pick acts for Opening Act or Halftime that are generally 20 years or more past their prime? The Police, Prince, Rolling Stones, Madonna, Paul McCartney, etc. I guess the only people still watching TV anymore are Baby Boomers. They open up with Roxanne. I liked this song so much better when it was originally done in Moulin Rouge….Be careful! The Grammys seem to love Sting. He might win 5 or 6 Grammys before this performance is over…One word comes to mind watching most middle-aged rockers perform. Neutered…The crowd is really getting into it. There must be nearly four people with their hands in the air.
8:04: Wow that certainly was exciting…Jamie Foxx is our first co-co-co-co-co-co-co host of the evening. Makes a bad joke about when they announced The Police were performing, Snoop ran out. That might have earned a chuckle in the mid ‘90s.
8:05: Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals: Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder win. That’s a risky cutting-edge choice. I knew seeing that they were nominated that Promiscuous and Hips Don’t Lie didn’t have a chance.
8:08: The canned orchestra with their first play-off of the night on poor Tony and Stevie. For God’s sake, you interrupted a blind man during acknowledgements? Is nothing sacred?
8:09: Joan Baez comes out and introduces those folk heroes The Dixie Chicks. Who would have thought they would have turned into Protest Singers Extraordinaire. Bob Dylan is spinning in his grave…Is Natalie Maines wearing a tutu? It’s pretty damn close. And it’s lily white while the two on each side of her are wearing black form-fitting miniskirts. That goes well with the fiddle…And it’s the first string section of the night. By God we’re gonna make pop music LEGITIMATE before the show is over.
8:15: A hideous commercial for Chevy that shows various celebrities singing different songs that use Chevy vehicles in the lyrics. Badly. I hope I never see that again.
8:18: Prince comes out. Or is it Anthony Kiedis. They look surprisingly alike wearing those big sunglasses. No it’s Prince. “One word. Beyonce”. Sorry if I don’t have a lot to say. My ears have an automatic filter for diva singing…The second string section of the night! In the first twenty minutes. We’re going for the record…That’s a very odd supporting track or there’s some problems with dubbing. Definitely sound’s off-kilter.
8:21: Black Eyed Peas are up. That’s a shame. Fergie is reading the teleprompter as if she has a 2nd grade reading level.
8:22: Best R&B Album goes to…Mary J. Blige. So that’s why U2 was singing One with Mary J. Blige last year. That’s apparently a song on the album. I’m still surprised Bono allowed himself to actually be in a supporting role. Mary is breaking down. NOBODY BELIEVED IN HER! That’s what they all say. The second play-off of the night but she ignores it and nearly goes into a rap rattling off names as the music gets louder! And she’s spent! And why does the Grammys still use canned music when the Oscars has an orchestra? That is just ironic.
8:26: Queen Latifah tells us that some “lucky” singer will sing a duet with Justin Timberlake tonight. “Lucky” wouldn’t have been my first choice, but to each his own.
8:29: Using Hello Goodbye in a Target commercial and using it as a pun (GoodBye/Good Buy) is simply heresy.
8:30: When I think of In-A-Gadda-Vida, I think of Fidelity retirement planning. I’m starting to look forward to the day the Baby Boomers die out.
8:31: Is anyone else getting sick of commercials in HD? You can tell when half the words are off the screen. Or maybe I’m just jealous.
8:32: These Geico ads are so racist towards cavement. They should be pulled.
8:33: Justin Timberlake telling us how special “What Goes Around” is to him. I’m touched. I assume that’s what he’ll be performing. What a guess!?!? Since Justin is doing so well, do the other members of N’Sync ever get together and talk about firebombing his house?...Does he have four backup singers? Has he ever heard of the law of diminishing returns?...Third string section of the night. I think the Grammys are overcompensating for their shortcomings…Ok now Justin is off the piano and singing to the crowd and moving around but he’s also holding a camera in his face. When they cut to it, it’s like a Sergio Leone close-up. I’m not really a fan of this half-assed homage to YouTube. If I want to see mediocre singers with really tight close-ups, I have quite a selection to choose from online…He better be careful. Since this looks fairly close to a YouTube video and since the Grammys are on CBS which used to be a subsidiary of Viacom, Viacom may think they have grounds to ask them to take this video down. My one-man crusade against Viacom continues.
8:38: It’s the Rubber Band Man T.I and Pink. Does anyone know why they call him this? I haven’t figured it out yet. They’re giving a Lifetime Achievement Award to The Doors? Really? Was the middle school poetry that impressive? T.I. starts talking some ghetto slang and Pink laughs in a way that you know she’s thinking “I’d like to slap you.” …And the Female R&B goes to Mary J. Blige. You know this album was released in 2005 right? Could the Grammys please get on the calendar year? It’s odd when albums or songs from two different years compete.
8:46: Stevie Wonder introducing Corrine Bail Rae, John Legend, and John Mayer. A singer/songwriter showcase. ONLY AT THE GRAMMYS! Corrine starts out singing with Mayer to the side. He’s found blues recently. Which every singer/songwriter does every couple of years to cause intrigue among the masses. John “The Legend” Legend is on piano. This stage seems pretty dark. I could see a gospel choir or string section appearing soon. The stage lightens up and there is!!!....a percussion section…Careful Legend, you’ll get spittle all over the front row.
8:55: Best Pop Vocal- A stoned looking John Mayer! Of course he always looks stoned. He is a singer/songwriter. I think they all are.
9:00: Commercial for Hugh Grant in another droll romantic comedy. Name a Hugh Grant that wasn’t a romantic comedy! You lose…I like the Sprint commercial. “Buy this phone and we’ll donate money to save lives in Africa. Also it’s very sleek. You know if saving lives in Africa wasn’t enough.” Makes the viewer feel guilty for not purchasing a Sprint phone. I love it!
9:05: It’s Shakira and the 3rd most talented Fugee Wyclef Jean performing. You know the FCC is nervous about this performance. Shakira’s hips are weapons of mass distraction. She’s wearing a sarong. I have a feeling it might not be on very long… Anyone else think this song is a bit ridiculous “Didn’t know she could dance like this?” What did you think Shakira’s appeal was?..Is that a string section? In this song? Now they’re being absurd!...I think Shakira’s mic just went out. Not that that’s a real problem…A nod to Indian music. Maybe the ghost of George Harrison will show up…Wyclef with a backflip! That’s probably the most he’s done this performance…We’re done. Let me say as a hetersosexual male, that I am crushed that I didn’t get a better shot of Shakira’s bum.
9:09: It’s the return of the Presiden’t Merit Award. Given to people only insiders would know. And the announcer started talking over the presenters. Love the snafus…It’s time for Song of the Year. Now remember this is for songwriting. Not the actual song. Yes it’s stupid. I’m just telling it how it is. And the Dixie Chicks win! Take that Bush! No Toby Keith! WE’LL put a boot in your ass. That’s the Dixie Chicks way.
9:19 A Lifetime Achievement Award for the Grateful Dead. And just in time! The concert they started in 1974 just ended.
9:21: Gnarls Barkley performing. Cee-Lo and Danger Mouse dressed as airline pilots. I don’t bat an eye. A string section and oddly dressed choir in the background! I gotta say I love “Crazy” and I love St. Elsewhere. But the version of “Crazy” live done in an epic way…doesn’t do anything for me.
9:24: Best Rap Album: Ludacris! Standing next to the Grammy like Ay Ay Ay? He just gave props to Oprah and Bill O’Reilly. I laughed out loud.
9:33: Did I just see Quentin Tarantino in the crowd…Introducing a “down-to-earth” diva. Isn’t that an oxymoron? It’s Mary J. Blige. With another string section. Is the New York Philharmonic on hiatus? Someone in the sound booth accidentally hits Mute for about two seconds. Maybe he was having mercy on the audience…At the end Mary walks across stage hunched over like Quasimodo holding her crotch. She must have sang so hard her bladder exploded.
9:39: Best Country Album. Let me guess. Dixie Chicks. Hadn’t even seen the nominees yet…I AM A PSYCHIC!..I see Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi in the crowd.
9:48: The star of Reba is Reba McIntyre in case you didn’t know. Did I use that joke last year?...Carrie Underwood and I think she said Doug Henley of the Eagles? Or maybe a tribute to The Eagles. Not sure…I’ll tell you one thing. I’ll become a fan of The Eagles when hell freezes over….SHIT!!....Now we have Rascall Flats doing Hotel California. Which reminds me of The Big Lebowski…Dude! The Chinaman is not the issue!
9:55: Carrie Underwood singing Desperado. And another string section. I’ve lost count and we have 90 minutes left. My brain is turning to mush.
9:57: How long is this medley going to last? Do The Eagles deserve this?...Carries’s hoop earrings could fit around her neck.
10:00: My Humps won a Grammy? That’s it. The next terrorist attack perpetrated on the United States is wholly deserved. Do your worst Osama!
10:01: Best New Artist is Carrie Underwood. I’m not surprised since a couple of seconds ago they were rushing her into position in the background. And they don’t know the winners til the envelope is opened. I call shenanigans.
10:04: Checking the Internet, Mary J. Blige thanked 55 people in her acceptance speech earlier. Someone is so lame they counted? This coming from the man doing a Running Grammy Diary.
10:08: Smoky Robinson performing Tracks of My Tears. No comments here because I’m not allowed to mock Smoky. He’s one of the few…Hey it’s Nicole’s dad Lionel. What a proud father he must be…I hear a string section. I don’t care! I JUST DON’T CARE ANYMORE!...And a complex game of patty cake breaks out with people onstage wearing gang clothes? What is this, West Side Story? It’s Chris Brown!...At one point he runs to the side and does a backflip off an angled trampoline. Where did that come from?
10:17: Where did Christina Aguilera come from? I guess she needs no introduction. They have James Brown’s portrait in the background. Because when I think James Brown tribute, my mind goes to Christi a Aguilera.
10:25: It’s the most thrilling moment of the program. The President of the Academy! Blah Blah Music in schools important blah blah blah we can all make a difference blah blah.
10:28 In Memoriam. Everyone knows James Brown will get the biggest reception…They save him for the end…Is that Justin Timberlake doing a tap dance thing for him. I can’t tell because it’s not lit up very well. If it is that’s sad…At the end they bring out the cape of James Brown and drape it over the microphone. Fitting tribute.
10:38: Ludacris, Mary J. Blige, and Earth Wind and Fire will perform…and apparently Stevie Wonder too. Did they forget to mention him?...Suddenly a candlelight vigil breaks out in the background.
10:43: It’s James Blunt. I wonder what he’ll sing. In fact does he have any other songs? Can you say one hit wonder? I knew you could…One word for you James. Gilette….”Previously Recorded Voting is Closed” appears onscreen. That seemed a tad awkward.
10:47: Oh boy the My Grammy Moment winner is coming. I’m quivering!
10:50. Prince just ran an ad thanking everyone who watched the Super Bowl halftime live and on TV. At this point Prince could do anything and I wouldn’t be surprised.
10:53: In a shocking upset, the girl wearing the least clothes wins the duet with Justin Timberlake. Never would have guessed it. They do a little intro before My Love. It’s sort of grown on me. But it’s pretty lame live. It’s missing Timberland, T.I. and some of the cool production tricks…Ok there’s T.I. Spoke too soon.
10:58: It’s Tony Bennett and the previously seen Quentin Tarantino. A match made in heaven. Tony Bennett is 80 years old? Damn! And Tarantino is spouting off years when Tony Bennett won major Grammys. The scary thing is I don’t think he’s reading off the teleprompter. In fact he’s such a nerd he’s probably doing that impromptu.
11:00: Record of the Year: It should be “Crazy” but I have doubts….It’s Dixie Chicks. Well we know who’s going to win the Album of the Year now. I know Bush-bashing is in vogue but please!. And they’re doing the Play-off again.
11:08: Chris Rock introduces the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s and drops off a reference to Dick in a Box. Huzzah!...You know you’re getting old when you remember when the Chili Peppers used to perform with no clothes on….Did they bring enough confetti with them.
11:13: Al Gore and Queen Latifah. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves…Best Rock Album goes to Red Hot Chili Peppers. Does Rick Rubin produce everything?
11:23: Don Henley and Scarlett Johannssen to present the Album of the Year…and what a surprise. It’s the Dixie Chicks. Natalie Maines: “People are using their free speech tonight”. Not really. It’s not real cutting edge to award people for criticizing an administration with an approval rating in the 30s. I direct you to Green Day’s American Idiot which was released a few months before Bush won re-election. That was more cutting edge than the Dixie Chicks but I think the only Grammy it won was during last year’s ceremony where it won Record of the Year for the insanely overplayed “Boulevard of Broken Dreams. As I’ve said this is just recognition for speaking out. Funny, I don’t remember them being showered with awards when it would have been more courageous to do so. I sure do love the Grammys!
Postshow: Well another travesty is over. A few final thoughts.
An article I read asked if Carrie Underwood winning Best New Artist gives legitimacy to American Idol. Yes. And giving Best New Artist to Milli Vanilli gave legitimacy to lip syncing and talentless hacks gaining praise over more qualified performers.
In the end everyone knows the Grammys are worthless. I think The Beatles received one Best Album award. Preposterous in hindsight. Bob Dylan didn’t win best Album until 1998. Steely Dan beat out an incredibly good Eminem album. I could go on. But it’s ridiculous. And it has no legitimacy. The end.
As I said before, it’s easy to give awards to people against the Bush administration now. It’s like sharks in a feeding frenzy. It’s not brave and it’s demeaning to give it in a climate that sees more and more the fallacies of his policies. Same thing with the Oscars. They don’t give best Picture to movies such as Raging Bull, Goodfellas or Brokeback Mountain. But Ordinary People, Dances With Wolves, Driving Miss Daisy and Crash win. It’s cowardice pure and simple. And that’s why I choose to mock the entire ceremony of award shows. To finish I’ll quote MacBeth.
It is a tale told by an idiot. Full of sound and fury. Signifying nothing.
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