Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The New Rasputin: Rulon Gardner?

I always thought the story of Grigori Rasputin (although probably fictionalized a tad) was fascinating. He was poisoned, shot, beaten, thrown into a sack and only then did he drown...or so the legend goes. Well there is a modern day heir to the throne and his name is Rulon Gardner. I was only aware of a couple of these and noticed the story on Sports Illustrated's website so I knew I had to share it.

In case you don't remember, Rulon Gardner won the 2000 Olympic gold medal in wrestling against the nearly invincible Alexander Karelin. Well since then, it's been interesting times.

The first thing (which I was not aware of) was while he was in elementary school, he was impaled by an arrow in show and tell. In his abdomen. I thought it was show and tell, not show and impale. (BOOOOOOOOOOOO). In 2002, he was stranded while out on his snowmobile, suffered frostbite, and had to have his toe amputated. In 2004, while riding his motorcycle, a car struck him. Well, God pulled out all the stops for the next one. This time, he was in a small plane crash (which he survived) into 44 degree water. Him and his friends swam for more than an hour (it takes 30 minutes for hypothermia to kick in) finally found shore, and had to go through the night without shelter and limited supplies. They eventually found help once morning came to allow Rulon to cheat death yet again.

My theory is that he somehow Rulon got ahold of a picture of God drunk or something and now God is trying to get rid of the evidence. So Rulon, my advice is to give the picture back so God can "uncreate" it. Word on the street is the next deathtrap involves a hanglider, a tank of piranhas, and a bucket of pig's blood. So get rid of the evidence! You better do it quick before this becomes like those Final Destination movies. And we don't want to get that stupid.

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